*&#@*

Mood: Goggy

Why is it that bad days almost always get worse? Yesterday was a really rough day for me (as you can see by my blog). I partly wonder if it was because I forgot to take my meds over the weekend. I say that because I'd been feeling pretty good up until then. Not sure if is the pills kicking in or whether I was just at the point that I was tired of all the shit I felt up until that point. I forgot to take my pills Sat & Sun and Sun and Mon I felt really quite crummy.

Though yesterday was crappy, a lot of things were brought to light for me. First...I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good to myself by still allowing contact between the (cause) of my broken heart & myself. I understand the whats and the whys of what was done, but lets be honest; it's not gonna happen. Not now, not later. Right now the feelings are still too raw & exposed...later, we will both be one different tracks God only knows where. You aren't going to quit a new life to see what lies between us, and I doubt that I'm going to want to either. I'll finally have my degree, have a new job, be in a new place with new people. But more than that...because the issues we were facing aren't things that just "go away" with time or distance. Nor is it something that can be solved by closing a distance...it's something that you either chose to let rule you or you rule it. Facing it and disassembling it. Dealing with fears and insecurities is something that must be done; a person can deal with them by hiding from them, deal with them by rearranging his life around them, or deal with them by destroying them completely, but not dealing with them generally isn't an option. And frankly, with the amount of time and effort people invest in hiding from their fears or building their lives around their fears, just eradicating them to begin with is actually less effort in the long run.

No guy will ever be more important than 'my guy' (whomever he may end up being), but never will I be with someone who promises things will be different later, that things will change later. I did that for almost 4 years. Things never changed. Things never got better.

I'm a free spirit. I love people. I love talking to strangers...and yes, sometimes I even like to flirt. But I am true. I am trustworthy, and most of all, I don't do things to hurt people. Especially those who mean the most to me. I don't deserve to feel like poop when I want to go out with friends (girls or guys). My friends don't deserve me throwing away our years upon years of friendship. They were there before you and they will be after you to clean up the mess you leave behind. This time hasn't been any different...

The second issue that came to light last night...my deep seeded trust issues. It's no wonder I struggled to trust people for such a long time. I realized last night that...well, for most, if not all of my life...my parents haven't trusted me. They thought I was lying when I told them I broke my wrist in 3rd grade. Never mind the fact that my arm was swollen and I couldn't move it. It was my right arm too. I was forced to participate in P.E. and writing class and everything else. I went to Catholic school at that time so there was DEFINITELY no getting out of things with my teachers. Now my wrist pops every time I move it. A couple years later, I broke my toes. I told my parents I didn't want to go to the hospital b/c I knew there was nothing they'd do, but I wanted a note for P.E. ESPECIALLY since we were doing those stupid once-a-year stamina tests. That meant lots of running. No note - cause, guess what - I was "lying". My toes are now crooked on my right foot. Thanks y'all.

All this may seem silly, but here's the kicker - I'm still not quiet sure what she was trying to get at, but my mom came into my room while I was reading and said "Doesn't your conscious bother you when you lie to people?!" I asked what she was talking about and she referred to a purse Traci had given me a while back. It's a fake Coach - a REALLY good fake Coach. Mom saw the SN in it and I guess thought I was lying about it being fake or getting it from Traci or God knows what... Anyway ~ she didn't believe me and threw all my credibility out the window (I'm with them like 24/7, when I'm not, I'm doing HW, or at a friends house - who's number they have... YES I'M SERIOUS!...I go to class, do my HW, make decent, if not GOOD grades) <-- forget all that...I'm lying because there's a F'N serial number in the damn purse! UGH!

I GOT TO GO NOW - I'M GETTING MAD AGAIN!